Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So now you know...

Several people have said to me lately "I've been reading your blog...so how are you doing?"  And every time, they would give me that sad little tilted head nod.  I think people read my blog and thought I was this melancholy person who only had things to complain about!  So from the bottom of my heart, I apologize for giving anyone that impression.

With all of the heartache and chaos I have seen in the lives around me lately, I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  All that should come out of my mouth are the stirrings of a grateful heart...it doesn't always happen, but I'm trying.

So how am I doing?

I have to say that I am so freaking in love with our church and its staff.  I have never been a part of a more loving and welcoming group.  The things that this church has gone through in the last 2 years were crazy enough.  And then bring on the last 4 months...holy stinking moly.  Sometimes I want to crumble at the weight of it all and I don't even have 5% of it on me that others do.  But still, they praise God and take on the next day.  We are so blessed.

So how am I doing?

I have an amazing husband who finally loves his job.  I have the most handsome chubby little boy who is becoming more fun (most) every day.  Right now I am hear him waking up from his nap, kicking his mattress, singing, and growling.  I am sooo blessed.

So how am I doing?

I am loved by a mom and dad that are 2 of the most generous people I have ever know.  I don't konw why it surprises me anymore when they shower their love, but it always catches me off guard with how much they love other people.  And I have the BEST brother, brother-in-law, and sisters-in-law the world could ever offer.  Hands down.  Nuff said.  They just keep rocking the house.  Oh and hello...world's cutest neice.

So how am I doing?

Well I finally found a hobby...I love cakes!  I am sure you read that and said, "duh...Sarah we know you love to eat!"  Muah ha ha you make me laugh :)  I am having sooo much fun baking and decorating cakes.  Each time I get to do another one, I get thrown into the world of creation and I am immersed.  I have caught the bug.  I would have never thought I would be good at something like this (and let me be the first person to tell you that I know personally at least 4 people who are light years ahead of me in this) but I seem to be picking it up pretty quickly!  It's nice to have something that is "my own."  Maybe one day I could even sell them.  A girl can dream can't she?

So when I look at all those answers to the sad head noddy questions, I can't help but wonder why I complain in the first place.  Sure it's like pulling teeth getting me to leave my family and go to work (boo lame-face work!  boo!)  every day, but there are tons of people who have been looking for jobs for well over a year now.  Where do those stirrings of a grateful heart go off to?

Alas, I must take it moment by moment.  That's right, I just said alas.  Deal with it.  :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Crazy, thy name is me

About a week and a half ago, I turned into a crazy person.  I was yelling at my son for no reasons other than him being a toddler, I was being mean to my husband, and basically just being a big whiney baby.
It got to the point where I was sending Eric a long apology text every day, trying to make up a reason for my behavior the previous day.

It didn't feel like out of control hormones, this was different.  Usually if I am hormonal I just get sad and mopey (at least I think so.  Eric might tell you a different story all together).  I was feeling consumed by something I couldn't put my finger on.  Everything just felt harder to deal with.  I have dealt with a cranky teething child before and come out looking much less ugly than this last week.  The last few days, Hendric has been especially difficult for me but an angel for Eric when he comes home.  Usually I would blame that on me working and that I am a horrible mom to leave my child.  This time I tried to reverse it and told Eric that I must be so crazy lately because Hendric was having such a hard time.

Eric tried delicately to tell me he felt that wasn't so:
"Um, I think that maybe...it's possible your crazy time started before Hendric had his bad days this week."

Ouch.  Take that one down your gullet.

And he was totally right.  What the hannah was wrong with me?
I tried to rack my brain.  I had gotten into a funk that I couldn't shake...a little depressed, a lot crazy!
As we started to talk it out last night (or as I word-vomited everything that was in my head and Eric graciously listened), I said something that I really didn't think had anything to do with anything, "I am really really scared about Sunday."

So for some prior knowledge for all ya'll, Sunday is my first week on the vocal team at church.  Now I have sung hundreds of Sundays on stage...so why the freak out?

I should have known there was something wrong in my head when we had the following conversation shortly after receiving the email for our July vocal schedule about a week and a half ago:

Me:  ERIC! (of course yelling)  Why isn't Matt (our worship leader) leading at all in July?!
Eric:  I have no idea.
Me:  What do you mean you have no idea?  Why don't you know anything that goes on at church!  You work there! (first of about 1000 overreacting statements that I made in the next 10 days)
Eric:  Yes, honey, whom I love dearly.  I do work there.  But I don't know the in's and out's of everyone's personal schedule.
Me:  Well I don't think I can do this if Matt's not leading.
Eric:  What?!  That's crazy. (If he only knew how crazy it was about to get all up in here).  Why would Matt leading have anything to do with you being able to sing?
Me:  He's the only one who's heard me sing and not suck so bad.  No one else has.  What if I suck on Sunday and then everyone thinks I always suck?
Eric: (using his famous male logic)  But you don't suck.
Me:  But I might.  And I pretty much suck at everything so I might as well suck at this.  And then everyone at church is going to know I suck and they are going to feel bad for you that you have such a sucky wife.

Yes, this conversation should have been my first clue at my crazy level.  But it wasn't.  And I got thrown right into Crazyland, USA.

Fast-forward a week and amongst the yelling, crying, and whining (all on my part) I have listened to the songs we are supposed to do this week about 105 times and have convinced myself that I...you guessed it...suck.  I couldn't find harmonies that didn't sound like pigs dying.  I couldn't remember more than 7 lyrics in a row.  I suck.

Fast-forward again to last night during my crazy-filled rant to my husband.  Now I have said it before, and I will say it again:  I LOOOOVE my husband.  God gave me exactly the right man for me.  He balances out my woman-crazy with his man-logic.  He calls me out when I am just being mean.  Or stupid.  Or petty.  Or D)  All of the above.  I don't know how anyone could sit and listen to me when I am at my crazy threat-level 58 and not go insane themselves.  But he does.  And somehow he still loves me.

Anyway, we talked a lot about how Satan knows what gets me.  And if you know me at all, you will know it's worry.  And the Enemy was taking something that will bring glory to God and joy to me and was skewing it like crazy.

And when I look at it at face-value, I realize that's exactly what was happening.  I wasn't even allowing myself to worship or have fun while I was singing these songs.  And when that rejoicing is gone, I might as well kill the pigs myself.  Nothing good is going to come from that.  I was allowing Satan to turn me into a worry-machine on the inside and that manifested itself as a crazy-train on the outside.

So basically, Eric told me I couldn't quit without trying (I would have been too afraid to show my face around the church office after that anyway) and there wasn't really any way I was getting out of it.  Dang.  I hate when God uses my husband to stretch me.

So if you see me on Sunday with a bucket next to me, don't stare.  Just be grateful I am spewing in that instead of on your head :)

And to my husband,  sorry.  Really sorry.  As Darryl (from The Office--really what else would I quote!?) says, "I need you to access your un-crazy side".  I'm trying :)

On a positive note, I became an aunt on Monday at 9:36pm.  Taylor Marie Fleming was born to my rockstar brother Zach and gorgeous (and if that wasn't enough, she is REALLY REALLY nice and I LOOOVE her) sister-in-law Christina weighing in at 6lbs 13oz and 20".  Here is the beautiful new addition and her amazing momma.

Love you sis!




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